Mike and Diane Wilson -
Free Spirit
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His, I'm afraid, was just dropping
On her, well hers were just flopping
   so ignoring their plight
   they spent the next night
at Tescos and their Christmas shopping.

A harpist in the Welsh Philharmonic
played music that verged on symphonic;
   but he kept both his eyes
   on the pianist's thighs
and his thoughts were hardly platonic.

I don't mean to set out and vex
but, for reasons astonishingly complex,
   it's surely quite true
   that even for you,
limericks are always about sex.

We've tried out positions spectacular
and attempted it once perpendicular
   But she said on the night
   that I left on the light,
"I'm not doing anything irregular!"

She'd experimented and liked immorality
and mentioned her peculiar partiality,
   "But please let's explore,"
   I continued to implore,
"other aspects of your sexuality."

A parson who nickname was Mattie
fell for a teacher called Hattie.
   Now she was quite catty
   and he was too ratty
and the pair of them finished up batty.

There was a young miss called McCavity
who performed intimate acts for a charity.
   So the cash in her tin
   was for putting it in.
It did wonders for her popularity.                       This one's from Diane

A strapping young female called Felicity
avoided all calls for domesticity.
   She'd never an itchin'
   to do stuff in her kitchen.
She's a slave to egocentricity.

Most limericks are liked for their sassiness;
even, it's true, for their brassiness,
   but one thing's for sure
   there's definitely no cure
for not one of them's known for its


They set about sex with jocundity
despite her apparent fecundity.
   But their secret's now out
   because she's become rather stout
with her obvious state of rotundity.

Her ballets were exquisitely acrobatic
and in plays she was so operatic
   but when in the chorus
   her morals were quite porous
but enthusiastically melodramatic

She acted with zero compunction
and despite a magisterial injunction
   she left every john
   pondering upon
his permanent erectile dysfunction.

Her humour was definitely sarcastic
and her manner to others bombastic
   but I liked the girl
   and gave romance a whirl.
I mean, the size of her boobs was fantastic!

A bonny young lassie called Charity
has one disturbing peculiarity.
   Her jokes are all rude
   in fact nigh on lewd
for mostly they're swamped with vulgarity.

An attractive young maiden named Burgin
was keen and didn't need urgin'.
   She was, it is said,
   great fun in bed.
Pity, she's no longer a virgin.

A glamorous young student at Trinity
met up with a scholar of divinity
   who once took a chance
   at a university dance
and separated her from her virginity.

It's a gene that makes women plump
and puts weight on arms, thighs and rump.
   It's apparently not cake
   or choccy milk shake.
If you thought it was that, you're a chump!

When she was young it was feathery,
but then it became somewhat heathery.
   When long years had passed,
   she was quite aghast
to find it all crinkly and leathery.

In privacy I like being feathered,
and not too concerned when I'm tethered.
   But I really must sigh
   when there's a glint in her eye,
for I'm definitely against being leathered.

Mike Wilson