Mike and Diane Wilson -
Free Spirit Writers
Some time in spring this year we'll read stories of a new outbreak of crop circles.
Imagine - please - a superior race of beings from a distant star who decide to visit Earth. Their technology surpasses ours by thousands of years. It must do, for they have discovered inter-stellar travel.
But they don't let us know of their impending arrival. They don't ring us up by interfering with the internet or the BBC TV news. Second, they don't fly over London or Manchester or Bridlington at a low speed and tree-top height so they can be seen. There's no show of bravado or gut-wrenching power. Third . . . well, we don't need a third, do we?
When they arrive, they are incapable of making contact other than by drawing pretty pictures in cornfields. Well, I've news for all you believers. It ain't the aliens!
I cannot imagine intellects so huge that they can invent and man (or alien) inter-stellar ships that must - repeat must - rely on scientific principles to fly through space, who cannot be familiar with radio waves. Man has been transmitting radio signals for years and even some stars far, far away emit radio noise. So radio transmission is a scientific definite. If we, poorly advanced creatures that we are, are using radio, why on earth - or Sirius VIb - can't our friendly aliens?
So, the first thing FA - friendly alien - would do is connect to us by radio, or video, or the internet. If they've conquered inter-stellar space travel, surely they can log on to the internet.
I mean, any day now, one of us - preferably not me or the current Prime Minister of England - is going to be sitting at a computer terminal tapping away at a friendly ill-spelt badly-punctuated email, when an FA is going to appear on screen and introduce himself. In English. Of course, he/she/it'll speak English. It's the language of computers, isn't it?
He (we won't go through the he/she/it any more) will smile (if his physiognomy allows it) and say: "We are the Friendly Aliens. Put me through to your leader." Well, whoever gets the message first will have to decide who "leader" is exactly.
Will the recipient of the message assume FA wants to meet God in one of his many disguises, or the leader of the western world, the eastern world, the middle-eastern world, middle earth, the USA, the UK, or the Chief Lord of Bridlington's Lords Feoffees?
Nah, take it from me - who admittedly knows nowt - crop circles are made by humans - clever, fiendish, wicked, smart (delete which you think inapplicable) - but humans, nonetheless.
Anyway, why doesn't FA draw his pictures some place else? Like on Bridlington beach? Or the Gobi desert in letters big enough to read from the SpaceLab? Or a field just off the runway at Heathrow? Or Centre Court? Or the new pitch at Wembley? Let's face it, there's plenty of space very close to human habitation FA could use.
It could be, of course, that the crop circle is merely alien graffiti. But if it is FA's name, how do we pronounce it?