Mike and Diane Wilson -
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The Romans and Global Warming

So what have the Romans to do with global warming? You might well ask.

Well, I have never seen an illustration showing Romans plundering and pillaging most of Europe with centurians wearing macintoshs. No sign of a sou'wester or wellies either. Why? Because it was dry enough to do without.

Similarly, there is no sign of hats and scarves or thick woolly coats and Doc Marten boots either. Why? Because it was warm enough to march without.

Maybe, just ever so maybe, during that time of the planet Earth's evolution, there was . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . global warming.

There, I've said it. Two thousand years ago the planet was suffering from global warming. And what do you supposed caused it? Perhaps the invention of the chariot, or perhaps the wearing of leather boots, or perhaps the revenge of a sadistic little god for daring to invade England's green and pleasant land.

Of course, it was warm because of the sun. That's the big bright orangey thing in the sky, which - in case you didn't know - is the reason for the life on the planet. Without that thing we're doomed - aye, we're all doomed, as that manic Scotsman Fraser had it in Dad's Army. So, if the sun decides to up its output a few millithingies then we're in for it! If it decides to drop off a few millithingies then it'll get cold.

Now, here's a thought. Perhaps the Roman Empire was able to expand as it did because it was warm and dry. Just think. If it had been persisting down and cold enough to chill the charlies off a cheeky chappie, then perhaps the legions and cohorts would have said "Stuff this for a game of soldiers!" and stayed in Rome.

And . . . and here we're getting really way out . . . perhaps Hitler lost World War Two because it was cold and wet. Well, the Wermacht certainly thought so as it trudged back from Stalingrad. And perhaps we won because D-Day happened to be fine.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that we should all accept there is global warming but that most of it has absolutely naff all to do with us - not just the folk who live in Yorkshire, but mankind in general (not leaving out the ladies of course).

If you grab at an atlas, and take a look at the world, you'll find that about seven tenths is covered by the sea. Of the remaining three tenths, there are vast open spaces, with not a soul to be seen or heard. Canada, for instance, has miles and miles and miles and miles and miles of frozen land. There's squillions of square miles of tundra in Russia and China. There's huge deserts in Africa and Asia. The middle of Australia has never been looked on by man, never mind him having done anything to it. There's the Arctic and the Antarctic, there's mountains no-one has ever set foot on, there's inland seas and lakes that are absolutely mind-bogglingly huge.

Our planet is unbelievably, mind-bogglingly (again), staggeringly, sensationally, awesomely, stupendously, bodaciously, unthinkably, unimaginably, jaw-droppingly (I could go on, but I won't) huge. And, I seem to remember reading somewhere, the whole population of the planet could be dropped onto the Isle of Wight without touching the edges.

So what the heck is everyone panicking about? I'll tell you. It's all a ploy by world governments to keep their citizens quiet. Just so that 'they' can terrorise 'us' into subservience. Remember how we were all scared during the Cold War. The fear then was that the Russians would bomb us into oblivion. That threat has gone, so they had to find another one. There was AIDS. That was going to wipe us out. But it didn't. So now they've got global warming. (Remember, before it was governments that kept us in order by fear, it was the Church with that power).

Me, I'm enjoying the better weather. If it gets warmer my fuel bills will go down and I can chuck my heavy coat away.

Listen, we have nowt to fear, only fear itself. So don't listen to them. Just separate your garbage if that is what will keep them quiet. Turn down the thermostat. We're all too warm anyway. But don't do it because they want you to. Do it for yourself. Think for yourself.

And enjoy the unseasonal weather. It might get chilly later.


Mike Wilson