Mike and Diane Wilson -
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Albert goes courtin'

You’ve all ’eard of Albert Ramsbottom,
who got ’et by that lion at zoo,
well, ’e’s grown up a bit since that mornin’,
an’ ’e fancies a waitress named Sue.

’Is ’ormones were raging an’ rampant,
as at t’ Palais ’e cornered the lass.
“Nah then, young Sue! Are yer dancin’?”
asked Albert, with a nonchalant pass.

“That depends on whose askin’,” laughed Sue,
“an’ if ’is intentions are right,
an’ if ’e knows owt about dancin’.”
Albert reckoned ’e’d scored for the night.

“Well, I’ve ’ad some lessons on t’quickstep,
So I reckon you’re in for a treat.
I’ve saved missen just for you,” said Albert,
“Let’s get on wi’ dancin’ toot suite.”

“Come ’ere then, you gorgeous young fellow,”
an’ Sue took our Albert by t’ ’and,
“We’ll never find out till we try it.”
An’ Albert felt somethin’ expand.

By ’eck, she were soft under ’is fingers,
With ’er body nuzzled up to ’is chin,
An’ Albert were smitten with urgin’s,
that could lead to the occasion of sin.

The lass was supple and lively
as they grappled each other on t’ floor,
and after one breathtakin’ Valeta
young Albert were lustin’ for more.

“This courtin’s more excitin’ than drinkin’,”
thought Albert, keeping ’old o’ young Sue,
as she shimmied all night ’neath ’is fingers
’till time for t’ last waltz became due.

Now Albert were no stranger to smoochin’
But weren’t sure of a suitable approach,
But Sue seemed to ’ave no in’ibitions
And grabbed ’im an’ snuggled up close.

“You are glad to be near me,” sighed Sue,
As she felt something ’ard on ’er thigh.
“Aye, an’ that’s not me ’orse’s ’ead ’andle,
An’ Ah ’ope you’re not off to be shy.”

Now, Albert’s no longer a virgin,
but ’e says of that night with young Sue,
there were times when ’e were reminded
of bein’ embraced by that lion at t’ zoo.

Mike Wilson 2005


Mike Wilson