Mike and Diane Wilson -
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Albert buys a car

Now Albert Ramsbottom were workin’,
so ’e fancied ’e’d buy a new car,
something to get ’im to t’ fact’ry
and to collect the shoppin’ for ’is Ma.

’E spent hours scourin’ t’ car showrooms
and was impressed by all ’e could see;
’E settled at last on a Robin –
which ’adn’t got four wheels, but three!

“It’s much cheaper when paying t’ insurance
an’ it’ll be easier to park on mi patch,
an’ because it’s all made out o’ plastic
it ’asn’t a paintjob to scratch.

“It’ll do fifty-five miles to the gallon,
and touch eighty goin’ flat out.
We’re on a winner wi’ a Reliant,
it’ll last us for ages, wi’out doubt.”

Albert bought the custard yellow Reliant –
’e chose a van instead of a car –
“Well, there’ll only be two of us,” explained Albert,
“an’ it’ll be ’andy for t’ allotment for Pa.”

The sunstripe read “Albert Ramsbottom,”
which caused an ’ullabaloo,
'cos when they’d spelled out “Ramsbottom,”
there weren’t any space left for “and Sue.”

To make up for this sorry omission,
Albert purchased two furry dice,
which dangled in front o’ the windscreen
an’ Sue’s response was “They’re nice!”

’E painted go-faster stripes on
an’ installed some tiger skin seats,
an’ on t’ dashboard ’e mounted a compass
to prevent getting lost down t’ front street.

’Is Reliant Robin lasted ages,
’e drove it till t’ engine wore out,
an’ then t’ time came for its disposal –
price were twenty-five quid, thereabouts.

’E advertised it in t’ evening paper –
’opin’ it would find a new friend –
But finally ’e flogged it Del Trotter,
a wide boy from London’s East End.

Mike Wilson 2005


Mike Wilson